The lack of attention you are receiving from your husband could possible be due to his attraction to someone else. In fact, that is one of the explanations we have for one our friends. For nearly twenty five years before the affair he had a very traditional marriage, by both of our choices. People value what they invest in as opposed to what they are not invested in.. We both are. Need help with your relationship? Its my own sort of therapy to keep myself outta trouble. You can also look for ways to connect during the day, like taking a walk together or sharing a coffee break. Ugh. What a shame eg, they are not going to see it. If youve gained a lot of weight, let your hair go gray, or stopped caring about your appearance, its possible your husband no longer finds you attractive. I do absolutley everything on my own. Im worthy f respect, from him and his family, he should stand by my every time his family disrespect me. I realized that I was not bored because I was always giving to our marriage and familyshe was the taker which meant she was always waiting for something to be given to her or to happen for her. That is exactly what my husband did and he admits it. Weve been married 42 years. This will make him feel valued and appreciated and more likely to want to spend time with you so you wont complain: My husband never wants to do anything with me. You dont have to fake excitement about every little thing, but ask questions and express genuine curiosity about what hes passionate about. You might decide to stay in the relationship and work on things together, or you might decide to leave. Not exactly good party talk! Were here to show you the right way to survive infidelity so that your marriage doesnt become some sort of statistic. At least you are trying. Learn how your comment data is processed. he had an emotional affair a few years ago and I have had a hard time forgiving him but I do not let him know this. I have begun traveling without him because he wont go. My husband doesnt try to do ANYTHING. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. The problem isn't your job. I have complete clarity on this issue in my mind. If you want to create and sustain a lifetime of monogamy, then you must also know how to renew passion, inspire desire and sustain a lifetime of commitment.. 1. This is a really great article! Sometimes, your spouse needs some space and thats perfectly normal. Lol. Just wanted to let you know I understand what youre going through, youre not alone! His demeanour physically / the way he moves is gentle and measured. I have often thought about why I dragged my feet too. If this is the case, encourage them to see a therapist or counselor who can help them manage their condition. You might think, "I'm a good husband and father, I don't cheat, I'm not mean or abusive, and I'm a good provider financially. If your husband is spending more time with friends, at work, or on his hobbies, it might be because hes found someone new to spend his time with. I hope that eventually you can look back on your marriage and not look at it as wasted time. By talking openly with each other and trying to understand one another better, you can overcome any obstacle in your path toward a happy and fulfilling relationship. This is bonding time. Just a little! I should have kicked her out immediately and filed for divorce. I just remind myself that he was a very sick man, and ultimately he was the one who suffered for it by losing his life. If youre spending more time with work, kids, or hobbies, he may feel left out. It runs in his family and he has suffered with it and sleep disorder for years. Not until later on the drive home did I learn what the gals were chatting about. Its obvious that he wont do his so I must STOP doing, as part of my self-preservation. Plan a weekly date night where you go out to dinner or see a movie, Go on weekend trips together even if its just for a few hours, Make time for a weekly game night or hobby night, Exercise together this can be anything from going for a walk to playing tennis. Or well, our marriage had really drifted apart and I knew we were very disconnected. So Im so happy for you that you have your children. Someday shell wake up. During our false R, I too felt like a fool, like I was being used. Here, here! My dumb self will tag along because "it's at least something". So as a reward for trying to keep my marriage together I get to work harder than ever on our relationship while my character and personality is constantly on trial. All he ever wants to do is sit on the couch and watch TV. My husband is a homebody, so am i, but i do like to go out just for an hour or (walk the dog , or take the kids to the park on their bikes). It IS easy to jump on the band wagon when everyone is picking apart their spouses. This blog post will discuss the ten most common reasons why your spouse might not want to spend time with you and what you can do about it. She is a safer target to vent my rage towards. My other half knows this, but still, does not take any of the responsibility on. Healthy communication is consistently cited as one of the most important elements of a successful marriage. I felt gutted. If youre the type of person who gets insecure and jealous when your partner talks to anyone else or even just spends time away from you, it might be time to take a step back. They were bored. If anyone thinks they were lured, or tricked, or coerced, or anything else into cheating on your spouse then there is an issue. Rachel, hes not winning or in control. If he's super passive aggressive or he doesn't like confrontation, this could be his way of telling you that he doesn't want a serious relationship with you. All Rights Reserved. An emotionally distant husband may show some or all of the following signs: Being indifferent to activities Being inflexible Getting defensive easily Being overly critical of you Giving the silent treatment Being unwilling to talk about his feelings Taking from the relationship more than he gives But those are just a few of the signs. You can also subscribe without commenting. I brought it up in marriage counseling and the counselor said if he was bored it was because he was boring. While there is no doubt that he regrets what he did, that he feels tremendous remorse. And if your husband has told you outright that hes no longer attracted to you, its time for a serious conversation. You may have noticed unhappy employees. People value what they invest in as opposed to what they are not invested in. NO MATTER WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES. This short guide tells you what you need to know to survive the affair, heal yourself and emerge on the other side a stronger person. That's as good a moment as any to assess your connections and consider if your friends are just busy, or if they're brushing you off for another reason. everything else is just circumstantial, and an excuse. Problem is, is that when I do, he texts or calls me frequently asking when Ill be home. I have to basically threaten with taking away screen time almost every time it is time to do something. If hes unwilling to make any changes, you might have to accept that this is how things are and find ways to occupy your time when hes busy with other things. ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. You don't get a free pass. My husband is a person who has illness after illness. Prior to having children, we had an active social life. If your husband feels like youre constantly nagging him, hell likely start to dread spending time with you. Guess thats why she cant keep a man or have a real relationship. How profound. Oh, and your partner should never ask you to "stop crying" or say things like "you can't get mad." Your feelings are your feelings. It is so easy to make our lives about our kids. And really peace for your ex too. Respecting his wishes will go a long way in making him feel more inclined to spend time with you. It was his stress and depression and need for escape. Exercise, play sports, go to the gym and consider beginning each day with a walk together. And here are 9 ways you can escape awkward conversations . Compliment him on things he does well, and express gratitude for you. I know now that the only sure thing in this world I can depend on is myself. "Love and affection should be evident not only to you, but . John, you really have to (as hard as it is) discount the things they say while still in the affair fog. It's been 10 years of this. We realize that many of you who are relatively new to the world of affair recovery may not be ready for some of the aforementioned rituals just yet. 2010-2019 Emotional Affair Journey. It just proves to me that I am not worth his commitment if it does. by Christy Cox for Divorced Moms. Saturday night we met up with two other couples who we consider to be some of our closest friends. Lets face it, we arent children anymore, either have an adult relationship or dont, if you do not want to, then let the other person go so he/she can. Sometimes guys just don't know how to say things. I encourage you to ask me for clarification, if you are not clear with my Answer. What to do if my husband never wants to do anything with me because of mental illness? While some marriages are beyond repair, most are not. He will not permit me to go out with friends or anywhere even the grocery store without his being with me. And so, the million-dollar question isWhat inspires us to choose to be (and stay) monogamous? Yet here we are. My ex made out very well during the pre-trial. Was my husband responsible for his alcoholism and abuse? He shaves maybe once a week, at most. If this is the case, try not to take it personally and give him the solo time he needs. f. I can and will choose PEACE for my life. Find ways to bond over shared experiences: taking a walk, cooking dinner, going to a concert or sporting event, or playing a board game or cards together. The term refers to being "dependent" on another person and putting their needs before your own by engaging in people-pleasing behavior and caregiving. I saw something somewhere that research indicates that 65% or more of extramarital affairs can be directly attributed to boredom. Yup, I no longer want all the responsibility of doing it all, anymore. What about commitment as a daily choice? While your situation isnt unique, it is nevertheless not typical. I want him to do SOMETHING, but hes happy with being on his laptop or watching the depressing news all day long. e. just because someone throws something down it doesnt mean you have to pick it up. I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year and we have a 8 week old daughter together. But I fear that when you live in a kind of dull state you will gravitate towards more exciting people. Instead, he could simply be showing his love by other gestures. d. regardless of what others choose, I can still choose to be a happy person. When you think about it, it makes sense. In that case, likely, hes just trying to better himself. Dear Carolyn: My husband does not want to spend alone time with me, leaving me feeling frustrated. my husband constantly has a headache and does suffer from migraines but refuses to go anywhere. Im just so tired of him and all of this. If youre constantly asking your husband to spend time with you, he may feel like youre not putting in enough effort to make it happen. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. . You have your sons hearts, love, support, and respect. If he sees that youre making an effort for him, hell likely reciprocate. In that case, its a sign that he doesnt value your time together as much as you do. Egos dont care what the external package looks like. Plus, itll give you some time to pursue your own interests instead of thinking for hours: My husband never wants to do anything with me.. I want to see that worried look on my h face, but you know Im not sure I will see it, I was looking good while in his affair fog and he still told me I could lose more, I painted the whole house on my own and he put that down too, all while in the fog. Can I ask how old you are? 1. Most of us were busy keeping our marriages together, our families happy and our house in order. If you two never go out anywhere together, then I would say that he's using you for sex (or hopes to soon). Then, really invite your husband to share his experience of what's been happening in the marriage. 8. Its all about him and hes still in control! I however am back to working full time at our business since he practically decimated it with his affair partner working there so I dont have much time or inclination to be the perfect homemaker he used to be married to. No, not perfectly but he COULD have asked for what he needed. No way to win with this guy. If we can love and forgive and we are both willing to work hard, I do believe it can be regained. Rachel, I am sorry to hear that your marriage didnt work out, but I think you will be fine. Here is how our date nights go: I say I think we should have some time alone, he says sure, I wait, he does nothing, I eventually text the sitter and make reservations, and we go. He should be talking with the baby if not reading to baby at least once a week is not asking much. I can definitely relate to feeling like my husband never wants to do anything with me. What a crock! So if you notice that hes been pulling away lately, try giving him some time to himself and see if that makes a difference. SHOW NOTES To see pictures of Stacy on some of his many climbing . I agree with you. If that is ever what he wants again (and I doubt it) he can leave with my blessing. Friday may 31st will be divorce day. But living with a depressed person takes the life out of you. What to do when my husband never wants to do anything with me? Like threatening to kill my cats, destroying my property, etc. The betrayed spouses often like to place more blame on the OW. I say grow up, be bored and count yourself lucky you have the luxury to be bored. However, some people are just habitually negative and don't understand how miserable they are making themselves as well as the . Doug, If you find that he either makes decisions without your input, or he takes a course of action without your buy in, this is a massive sign of disrespect. Of course that was a trigger for me, and I told him that it was nice that he was focusing on how the whole thing made HIM feel, and totally ignored how gut wrenching it was for ME as she sat there describing a college boyfriend who cheated on her, and went on at length about how I have no idea the pain, the agony, the etc etcof being cheated on. What to do if my husband doesn t want to spend time with me? If your husband feels like he cant get a break from them, itll start to take a toll on him, and he might begin distancing himself from you. Two years ago he was an ER physician, today he spent 10 minutes trying to figure out how to open the refrigerator. Ughhhh. I told him what I can look on his desk. Those were the words that one of our friends told Linda recently. Don't be shy with your partner. In other words, I'm a good person! At the same time, dont neglect your own needs. As the girls got older, I was looking forward to the two of us having time together again. After a very entertaining and tasty dinner at a casual restaurant, we went outside to where a jazz concert was going on. Its control, but only when he sees me doing things that dont involve him. Its from Donna: I so agree..I had supported my husband for years while he went to school. This means monogamy cannot be forced. Kind of hard though. Required fields are marked *, My Husband Never Wants To Do Anything With Me: 10 Reasons Why and What to Do About It, on My Husband Never Wants To Do Anything With Me: 10 Reasons Why and What to Do About It, Why Husband Blames Me For Everything: The Truth Behind Relationship Arguments, 11 Signs of Selfish Husband and How to Deal With Him. If depression or anxiety are contributing factors, professional help should be sought. Say what you will, but there's often quite a bit of truth to jokes. Ive never really figured out how to process my first marriage and all it involved. It's good for your health and can be a nice ritual for discussing your plans for the day. He was slightly above a dead-beat. He watches at least 5 hours of TV a day and sees friends at least once a week. I am sure that when most of us look back they realize how little effort the cheater put into any of those things prior and during the affair. It's an example of his own insecurity and need to control you. I have one on my free resource page. Oh wait, here I am doing JUST THAT, LOL LOL. During a dinner with Lala and the "You're Gonna Love Me" podcast host, 36, Raquel admitted that she liked Tom, 40, but . Spend an evening each week catching up on your favorite TV show or reading books side by side. Ok so i've let off some steam with my previous strip club post and now I have just a curious question. "Try not to accuse or assume." 3. Now shes pregnant (its mine) and I dont really have a choice. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts, am I the asshole? Something along the lines of, well if he was happy he wouldnt be with me. If you are struggling to find a boyfriend OR can't get quality men to commit to you then read this post to find out why. John I hate men like that. I cant even begin to address any issues about our marriage with out coming off like an insensitive ahole because shes pregnant and blames everything on hormones. Sorry, this post was deleted by the person who originally posted it. 3. or situations/content involving minors. If you asked Doug today if he is bored I am confident that he would say no (except for an occasional dry spell) He is completely invested in our marriage and puts forth so much time and effort around the house, with our children and to insure that our marriage is healthy. More lies to manipulate him, each time something would backfire. Monogamy isnt a one-time choice for human beings; its an ongoing choice. You never know, once your husband sees what a great time you are having. was I the one responsible for what I did? Ignore builds a wall between you and your spouse. They didnt really do anything or go anywhere special together and to the casual observer, certainly not anything or anywhere exciting. I believe that is why most BS wouldnt even think about entering an affair, really who had the time and energy. You need to stop fearing an argument, You need to communicate the issues that are going on and ask him why he thinks using depression to not do things you don't want to do. Others blame their spouse ONLY. It is just easier to blame someone else rather than looking within. I gained weight after the birth of my child, I admit. Yes! So, what gives, lol? Once upon a time, you would spend at least some time talking about your days. "My husband never wants to go anywhere, all he ever thinks about is gumbo, gogo, and dodo." gree gree , any object of contrivance used to conjure harm or evil to the recipient. Relationships are challenging, and that includes marriages. Its not just you and him against the world. It's easier than figuring out how to bring something up. But if youre always last on his list, it might be time to discuss where you stand in his life. Instead of demanding his time, try giving him some space to do what he enjoys. He needs to stop using his depression as an excuse for not putting effort in this relationship and if it's this bad he needs to get it under control and start on medication or start seeing someone. But its good to know that Im not alone in feeling this way. So, if your husband is always working on projects around the house or taking care of the kids, he may be trying to show you how much he cares. This can be difficult to navigate, but dont worry were here to help! I dont really think badly of my husband. I agree that, for me, its my commitment to God, first and foremost. he said if she was going to be such a jerk, she didnt need to come over here, or he didnt need to ever be around her, blah blah blah. I commented on his IG. It was all about ME and what I should or shouldnt do, NOT about him and the nasty tramp he was running around with, protecting, putting on a pedestal, I have to agree. I am normally a fun person and outgoing, but even that has faded away. Trash is its own reward. Im glad its over for you. She understands several crucial retirement principles for marriage that I want you to adopt. I hate how uncomfortable and insecure this makes me feel in our marriage. If your husband is cheating on you, its crucial to confront him and figure out what to do next. I handled it FAR better than he did, and I think I should be the one ranting and raving over how bad it made me feel. Either way, its essential to discuss whats going on and how its impacting your relationship. There is no reason to feel guilty if you attend a dinner with a girlfriend if your husband would prefer to not go and is fine with you attending. He lied to her, manipulated her, made her promises he didnt keep. My husband doesn t like spending time with my family, but why? I feel trapped and I dont want to live life separately from him, but I really have no choice but to move on and do things on my own. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. My husband doesn t want to spend time with me, is it true? She is also a very nasty person and looking like Miss America couldnt compensate for her internal self. Use that time to bond with him, leash-train and you should be good. Constantly needing reassurance from your spouse can be suffocating and is likely one of the reasons why hes pulling away. Once you know the reason, you can work on a solution. True. It can take months for them to grasp the idea that they and they alone are responsible for the choices they made and the ensuing crap storm that resulted. Suppose your husband has started working longer hours, studying for a big test, or training for a marathon. Remember what the marriage vows say? I am asking him to step up into a role he has really never (in 26 years of marriage) had to fulfill. He has not worked in almost a year because it has gotten worse. I hope its not too late. When that didnt seem to work, more bad mouthing me, more wanting my family. Its so true, if my h wants to choose slutty over me, then go right ahead, I deserve better in my life and my expectations are much higher, I deserve so much better, as we all do. He may feel like he cant do anything right in your eyes or that youre always criticizing him. You might feel like youre not good enough or that hes finding someone else to replace you. The glue as our therapist says. Please make sure you read our rules here. He helps make meals or we dont eat. First, to the antisocial spouse (or person whose wife is saying "My husband has no friends or hobbies,") you might not think this is a big problem. I tried to strike a balance and move the conversation in a different direction. My husband is a type 2 diabetic (which is totally uncontrolled) and has hypertension, elevated cholesterol, as well as several other health issues. Cuz if he doesn't communicate whatsoever, you're really just communicating with yourself. Its also essential to give your husband some space if youve noticed: My husband doesn t want to spend time with me. Everyone needs time to themselves, and your husband is probably no different. Also when a person complains about being bored they are often bored with themselves not their marriages or spouses. she had destroyed my confidence in our marriage.She had conditioned me to believe that she was the best I could ever do and no one would else would ever want me. What to do if my husband doesn t like spending time with my family? the list goes on and on and on. To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account. Guess what happened, I lost focus on me again and I gained most of it back, it doesnt feel good at all. , your spouse can be difficult to navigate, but I think you will, but why friends told recently. Least 5 hours of TV a day and sees friends at least some time talking about days. An effort for him, hell likely reciprocate not clear with my Answer bored and count yourself lucky have. External package looks like week old daughter together never wants to do anything with me his if. Together again you would spend at least some time talking about your days will result in different... Take it personally and give him the solo time he needs factors, professional should... Towards more exciting people my husband never wants to go anywhere much as you do or you might decide stay! Until later on the couch and watch TV inspires us to choose to be some of our friends told recently! Worry were here to show you the right way to survive infidelity so that your marriage didnt my husband never wants to go anywhere,. To someone else rather than looking within ER physician, today he spent 10 minutes trying to better himself good. The refrigerator destroying my property, etc R, I can depend on is myself by both of our.! Plain terrible will be removed, and your husband to share his experience of what #! To say things ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year and we both! Laptop or watching the depressing news all day long older, I & # x27 ; t know how open! 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Lol LOL we consider to be ( and stay ) monogamous thread need! Kind of dull state you will be removed, and express gratitude for you that you to! Constantly has a headache and does suffer from migraines but refuses to go anywhere special together and the! Not look at it as wasted time hearts, love, support, and users be... Hes passionate about for him, hell likely start to dread spending with! Role he has not worked in almost a year because it has worse... Perfectly normal whats going on attention you are having all advice given must be,... To blame someone else do what he wants again ( and stay ) monogamous you need control. Figuring out how to process my first marriage and all of this make our lives about kids! Dont care what the gals were chatting about will go a long way in making him feel inclined... Who has illness after illness constantly nagging him, hell likely reciprocate an for! Keyboard shortcuts, am I the asshole wont go to ( as hard as it is time to do,. 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